Something to believe
You are looking for something to believe.
I know it, because either
(1) you don’t know what to believe and so your inborn and inescapable capacity, your shapeless embryo need to believe in, commit to something goes out wandering every night, roves out toward it doesn’t know what, rummages about in the dark like an orphan who wants not to love or to own another–having never had the luxury to invent for itself the need to love or own–but just to be loved and owned, moving out and about not from purpose or courage or desire but just from simple, natural need;
(2) you already know what to believe; you preach and stand up for it morning, noon, and evening until by night you’re hoarse and your bones and tendons ache; you’ve believed so long that, like a train already married long ago to the rails on which it hurtles through the night, you don’t even need to remember where it was you’re hurtling to, and sometimes (as when the train wobbles to an unscheduled stop, hesitates uncomfortably long at some no-place between stations for its less-than-quarter hour of loneliness among infinite rows of cornfield under an infinite sky–a less-than-quarter hour that will already begin to be forgotten, gone forever, will already almost have once more never been by the time the engine starts to fire again, breathe steam, and the train to wobble again into motion), sometimes you don’t even know whether you believe in the thing you already know to believe in, and feel that, if you really did believe, really had committed to it, something about you as indefinable and all-permeating as the way you walk, or the everlasting changes which pass like days and nights, like trailing clouds, like flocks of flying birds across your face would be solider and deeper, more radiant and real, so that not just your raw voice and aching bones and ligaments at night but even the smallest gesture of your hand or the light that looms sometimes behind your eyes would definitely and simply say, I believe, I know.
And since you are looking for something to believe, this is a good starting place–Just to be, just to exist is a waterfall of blessing–because if you don’t start there, can you possibly end up anywhere good?